living life in a war zone
by Yellowtail555
Summary: she's sick of being overlooked by those four boys but she's not sick of the boys themselves / They befriend the Marauders, survive Hogwarts, and join the losing side of a war that is going to kill them. Doe tells the story of her seventh year and beyond.


a note: This is pretty much so different from how I normally see Dorcas [my Dorcas is like Mary in the end of this story, but in a way less shy, more obnoxious whirlwind of emotions sort of way] but this was a lot of fun to write even though I thought it would be a lot longer and then got lazy halfway through. Maybe I'll re-write this some time. Either way, hopefully you enjoy and please review.

* * *

Sometimes Doe jokes that they're basically the Marauders. Lily is Remus because that's obvious and Doe's probably James more than anyone else is and everyone knows that Marlene and Sirius are the same person and that leaves Mary and Peter and it works out surprisingly well, really.

Lily tells her that when she compares them to the Marauders, she's degrading her friends, but Doe does it anyway. It's easier that way.

...

Their story doesn't begin on the First of September. That's when they meet up for the first time in three months (or so Lily says, but it's a lie because they've been owling all summer and Marlene spent all of June at Doe's house) but it's just the average day. They watch the first years get sorted and bet on which house they're going to end up in and Marlene is amazing at guessing, as usual, and wins five galleons.

Maybe their story does begin on the First of September because Their Story is basically just the story of their seventh year (and the story of the rest of their lives), but Doe doesn't think that anything of value happens that day and she's narrating, so their story begins on the Second of September.

...

Their Story begins because Marlene is already bored of Hogwarts. Lily complains and throws a bit of a fuss because that's what Lily is good for. Mary reminds them that they have homework because that's what Mary is good for. And Dorcas suggests hanging out with the Marauders because she's sick of letting the boys have all the fun.

Lily says no way, absolutely not, but they do anyway.

Marlene and Sirius smoke and talk shit about everything because they're cynics and they've spent their whole lives on the same wave length. Mary and Peter are racing Remus and Lily at a piggy-back race because those four might be boring as hell, but they're also not that boring to normal standards. Doe's standards have never been normal.

She tells James that she snogged exactly four boys over the summer and that's a personal record and James tells her that he's been practicing Quidditch while she was off having fun and that she'd better be ready to work her ass off at practice or she'll bring the team down.

She didn't snog anyone over the summer, she just sat around with her boring parents and read books or went to see Muggle movies with her mum – and it was kind of nice. She's a different person at home. She's Dorcas Meadowes, perfect daughter, but here she's Doe Meadowes, Marlene's best friend and James' counterpart, and she has a reputation to uphold.

The Marauders suggest a game of truth or dare and Lily says no (it's too cliché anyway) and so they go back to their dorm and find that their bras are gone and they don't even get pissed, they just laugh because _of course._

...

Doe kind of wishes she was the queen of their group but she's not, she's the princess, because Marlene has always been the leader and that's just something she's always known. They go to Hogsmeade with the Marauders because they're almost a group of eight now and Doe finally feels like maybe they're equal to the Marauders in something now because they're finally worthy to spend time with.

She's sick of being overlooked by those four boys but she's not sick of the boys themselves.

She knows that in any other story, she'd marry James and Marlene would marry Sirius and Lily would marry Remus and Mary would marry Peter and it'd be nice—a good way of getting rid of all eight of them because they're too much when they're together and Hogwarts can barely handle them, never mind the real world.

But she knows that's not how it'll work for them. She can't stand James Potter as anything other than one of her best friends and she knows that Sirius and Marlene are secretly fucking and Lily and James keep shooting each other looks but her and Mary and Remus and Peter aren't going to be paired off that easily.

There's a war going on – there's no time for romance if you're Doe Meadowes and you're going to make a difference.

...

It's the end of September and the Dark Mark is showing up everywhere and Dorcas (not Doe; the one who actually cares about her parents) writes letters every week. She half wants her parents to die already so she can grieve and get it over with because she knows she's going to be on the battlefield one day and she doesn't want anything to hold her back.

She knows that the seven – MarleneandJamesandSiriusandLilyandRemusandPeterandMary are always going hold her back but she can't bring herself to break them off. The war is going to last five years and this is only the first one and already people are dying.

She wants to be out there and helping people but instead she's stuck inside the castle as Sirius goes over for the millionth time how he wants to fight (they all want to fight, Sirius) and Lily looks terrified every time the word 'war' comes up but they all make a pact that they're going to join any organization that will let them fight even if they're just barely out of Hogwarts and so, so _young_.

They don't seal the promise with spit like Dorcas used to do when she was little, but she knows they mean it.

(She's being Dorcas more and more each day and it's terrifying)

...

It's the day after graduation and their seventh year has gone by so fast and Sirius is arguing with Dumbledore, the kind of screaming that she's never seen from him because Sirius is calm and above all else, that's what separates him from Marlene.

Dumbledore doesn't want to let them fight this losing war because they're barely eighteen and they're still kids and they don't know what it's like to be on the verge of dying at every step. Sirius says they'll learn. The eight of them stick together and Dumbledore says 'Maybe' and James kisses Doe's cheek to celebrate and she doesn't tell him that's the closest she'll ever get to being snogged. Doe Meadowes is beautiful, but no one has ever gotten close enough to love her.

Dumbledore breaks down soon enough, as they knew he would, and they're off there to fight and to die and something about it is beautiful.

...

Fabian and Gideon Prewett die fighting off five Death Eaters and a patrol was supposed to help them, a patrol was assigned to them, but they never show up because Doe's owl never gave her the message. Doe knows it's not really her fault but it kind of is and she will have to live with that the rest of her life. This is a war and sometimes you kill people on your team.

Molly Weasley, their older sister, looks like she wants to hex Doe during the funeral but Lily tells her to keep her eyes down and the eight of them leave early.

This is something that Doe will never be able to forget and she never quite forgives herself. This is her regret when she stays up at night because she can't sleep. They all have regrets that keep them up, but she doesn't know that.

...

Marlene dies. They get her and her parents and her little brother when she's spending the night at their house and Doe has another death that's her fault because Marlene was staying with her but Doe suggested she see her parents (before it was too late, but she didn't say that) and so Marly did because they were best friends and Marlene listened to her, that idiot.

It's another thing she never forgives herself for. You can't kill your best friend, even if it's not on purpose, and turn out all right. Especially when your best friend is Marlene McKinnon, and who can imagine someone with that much life being… dead.

...

People die. She doesn't keep track because it's none of the eight (there's only seven of them now and it feels like less – they don't hang out anymore because it feels wrong without Marlene there).

Dorcas signs up for more and more dangerous missions and Dumbledore tells her not to because she still has a life to live. But she's killed three people plus countless Death Eaters and she wants to get out of this pain but she wants to do it in a way that she can make up for everything she did.

And then she meets Lord Voldemort himself.

People say that you must have been special during the war to be dealt with by You-Know-Who himself but Doe doesn't feel special. She's just a firecracker now, and it's not a pretty image. She's a spark that's waiting to go off with a bang and then she'll be done and she can't wait.

Doe Meadowes is waiting to die.

...

The moment before it happens, Doe realizes that maybe she's never been kissed but she's been loved by more people than she deserves. She'll always have the seven. She'll always have Marlene and Mary and Lily. She'll always have James and Sirius and Peter and Remus. She had too many people who cared for her and too many people who she cared for and that was her fatal flaw, but she has maybe a minute left to live and she lets herself love them.

She loves Marlene – the girl who was her second half in all of the ways that she ever needed. The girl who smoked too much and loved too little and who was amazing at gambling and cards and Quidditch. She loves how alive Marlene was – how no one would have ever predicted she would die until the moment that she did.

She loves Lily, even if they argue. She loves Lily who's a bit too contrary and way too careful – who wants to make sure that everything follows the rules because she has this crazy illusion that everything will turn out okay if it does. Lily, who makes blanket statements and laughs a lot and who showed Doe what love looked like.

And she loves Mary – sweet, innocent Mary who was braver than any of the rest of them and showed it every day. Mary, who cared about people even if they weren't her friends because she was one of those people who genuinely liked other humans and smiled and laughed and lived her life happily, even in the war. Doe didn't realize how much it must have killed her to destroy other's lives, even if they were Death Eaters.

And the Marauders, damn them. Doe had always wanted to beat them at everything because they were the male counterparts of her and her friends but they were also more than that – they were James and Sirius and Remus and Peter and they were living life in a war zone and they were brave and they were Gryffindors and she was proud of them.

(She felt quite a bit like Dorcas because Doe was never this sappy and maybe that was a mistake because her friends deserved to know how much they meant to her)

None of them know what her last words are but she knows, and that's enough. She thinks they might know, anyway, in their hearts and she hopes they don't grieve too much because she's not worth it.

The last words she hears aren't Voldemort, playing with his prey before he kills her. They aren't Bellatrix Black laughing or any of the Death Eaters commenting on how Dumbledore's little toy walked right into their meeting and she's just a Halfblood but she'll have to do.

The last words she hears aren't _Avada Kedavra_, even though she does hear those words loud and clear.

The last words that Dorcas Meadows hears are pounding in her head and they're to everyone who loved her even when they shouldn't. She hears "I love you" and she smiles.


End file.
